Let’s talk about Male Survivors

We can't dismantle rape culture without talking about this

Dec 14, 2020

Trigger Warning rape culture, abuse, child abuse, pedophilia, domestic violence, self-harm, trauma

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because white feminism upholds the patriarchal myth that men can never be vulnerable and therefore there’s no need for a conversation about male survivors. But we definitely need that conversation.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because patriarchy has taught us that men are not allowed to be vulnerable. Therefore, it’s considered acceptable to punish males who are vulnerable in order to teach them that old lesson: Boys don’t cry. But boys do cry and their vulnerability needs to be protected.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because the abuse of males is much more widespread than the public knows but men don’t speak up or are not allowed to speak up because of patriarchy and the white feminism that upholds patriarchy.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because trauma goes around in cycles. Hurt people hurt. Therefore, unaddressed trauma will either manifest in self-harm or in harming others, or both, but addressing trauma can interrupt that cycle.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because Black and brown men have been survivors for centuries but their stories of inter-generational trauma are not told.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because so many men experience sexual abuse as children, but they are ignored and not believed as children, then ignored and not believed as men.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because older women raping and abusing and grooming young boys is a reality for so many boys and instead of the adults protecting them, the adults treat them as if an older woman raping them is something to celebrate.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because jokes about boys who lose their virginity at 12 years old are common and not funny. It is open and accepted pedophilia that is not recognized as pedophilia.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because men can and do suffer domestic violence. Men can and do suffer emotional and mental abuse. Men can and do suffer sexual abuse.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because no, men don’t always want sex. A man saying no to sex doesn’t mean “he’s gay”. A man saying no to sex doesn’t mean “he’s a woman”. These toxic ideas of gender and sexuality must be dismantled. A man saying no to sex is not a signal to abuse him as less of a man.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because boys and men have a right to personal boundaries.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because large muscular men can also be victimized. A man who is “big and strong” is still vulnerable to abuse in a society that views him as invulnerable.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because males have been raping males for a very long time. Such inter-generational trauma has been unaddressed for generations upon generations. This cycle will not stop until we confront it.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because not saying it opens the door to gaslighting, victim blaming, and rape culture. We can never truly confront rape culture if we don’t address how and when predators rape boys and men.

Male survivors exist.

That needs to be said because we cannot say we believe in transformative justice if we don’t address male pain. We cannot dismantle patriarchy without examining and dismantling how patriarchy harms men.

There is much more that needs to be said but I wanted to begin with this: Male survivors, I see you. I believe you. Your pain is valid. Your feelings are real. It is OK to cry. It is OK to not cry. It is OK to acknowledge what happened to you. It is OK to seek out safe people to talk to about your trauma. Please be patient with yourself. Processing trauma takes time, especially when you’ve never been allowed to do so.